Window to my soul—entry 6.
I can’t begin to explain how repulsed I used to be by people who made me mine their minds.
That aching need to be included — digging for information, clamoring for a seat at the table felt intolerable.
I understood secrecy, I understood “moving in silence”. But the moment we decided we mattered to each other, letting me in on the course of your life felt mandatory. Miss me with that privacy talk because your demand for it translated into a question of my trustworthiness.
I wasn’t even asking for every detail. I just needed to know.
These were my arguments every time the topic of being “let in” came up. But eventually, I learned that immediate disclosure is a bad metric for trust, and an even worse one for love.
Yes, people who love and trust you should reveal themselves — but the thing is you don’t get to determine the pace.
My desperation to be let in became detrimental. My unhinged curiosity gave others leverage: they could dangle the “gist” and I would run straight into their orbit.
Why was I so desperate to know? No, I wasn’t a gossip—I could mind my business pretty well. But I had a strong entitlement to my friend’s business.
Then I saw for myself that it was mostly about control.
I wanted to feel like a good friend, so the more they told me things, the more I could strategically position myself to be “there” for them.
If they confide everything to me, I’d learn the moves that make me indispensable. If they reveal their dreams, I’d become their genie—so they’ll hold on tight. If they show me their wounds, I’d be the soothing balm. I’d morph into whatever they need me to be based on what I learn about them.
It was subtle manipulation: converting their openness to a currency I used to purchase permanence in their world. Because every day, I battled the thought that I was a terrible, unlovable, and unworthy person. I needed proof that I could be kept around. Their trust in me was my receipt.
But what happens when you can’t keep up with the shapeshifting? When they don’t even know who you are because you trapped yourself in their bubble—existing only within their needs? When you become lonely: a friend to all, with none of your own, because you’ve been inauthentic?
I changed when I met someone whose pace I learned to respect, whose privacy I wasn’t threatened by.
I still wanted everything all at once, but I stayed patient instead. I worked with what she chose to share and found an ease I hadn’t known. If we didn’t click the way I hoped, I would accept it. If we did, I’d know desperation hadn’t gotten me there—it would be organic, and it would last.
I can’t explain how proud I felt when I realized I wasn’t itching for a place anymore. I sat still in the uncertainty. I supported her simply as a good human would, not as someone with leverage. I wasn’t calculating my every move nor reading too much into hers.
Finally, I wasn’t making everything about me and as a result, I truly became someone worth having around. A genuine friend.
I was at peace. I was whole. I was just me and it was enough.
Sometimes, the hunger to be “let in” is really just a deep anxiety about your place or worth. But it’s okay to be in the unknown for a while.
People carry scars they’re ashamed of; others don’t know how to speak while they’re still in the thick of it. And some things are actually not your business.
Probing for information isn’t always considerate, however badly you want to know.
The least you can do is be there anyway—whether you have the full picture or not. Because the one who notices the limp and helps them walk is kinder than the one who waits to see the scar.
I can tell you for free that patience gets you people who want you for who you are—not people who need you for the promise of something you’ve forced yourself to be.
Learn this, and you’ll be a better friend—forming soul-level relationships that are grown, not bought.
With love,
Chinelolum.
Thank you for reading this piece. I hope it resonates. It’s always a delight to hear from a reader so please leave a comment.
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As I read this I was introspecting, it was a new perspective on authenticity in friendship✨
And I enjoyed reading it😊
Very wholesome Chinelolum. I am glad the days of bending back and not staying true to yourself is gone.
Now I'm focusing on building genuine and authentic relationships.